C is also for...

...Cookbook!

as in, the Cheesy Pennies Cookbook. Chock full of recipes from this very blog. I've spent the past month making this as a gift for my family this Christmas, and the book came out so well I just had to share it here.

Check out the cool preview, below!

Cheesy Pennies by Sharon Graves | Make Your Own Book

You can actually buy one for yourself, through the Blurb Bookstore*. I apologize right now for the fact that it's not cheap. But they print these up custom, one at a time, on gorgeous thick paper, and it is over 140 pages long, with full color photos to go with every recipe. The process of creating it was both a joy and a huge amount of work, and I am really, really proud of it. Enjoy!

* Can't say enough good things about Blurb. Their software was easy and fun to use and the finished products are tremendous. The fact that this felt a little too much like giving birth without the nice drugs was not their fault.

C is for...

But that's not good enough for me.

C is for Christmas Eve.   For Correspondence and Carrots and Campouts with Cousins and Cute little ornaments twinkling in the night.

C is for Cinnamon Rolls in the morning*.

C is for Cries of joy all through the house as gifts fly open, and for my Complete Shock when I discover what this entire Crew has been up to for weeks**.

And for the Criminal Cruelty of my mother, who refused to keep any of the gifts her grandchildren brought to her bedside, on the grounds that she had no need for them in her condition.

Curse your Condition. Be Compassionate.  For a Change.

C is for Curative Crab Cakes with a Curry-Cayenne Condiment,*** Chauteubriand**** for dinner and Cheesecake for dessert.

C is for the Comfort that being together today has brought, in the face of all the Confusion, Consternation and Concern.

C is for Contented.  And Cherished.  And Chubby.

That's MORE than good enough for me.  That's Christmas, 2010.

Crab and Shrimp Cakes with Curry-Cayenne Mustard Sauce 
Based on a recipe from the Fog City Diner Cookbook

1 lb crab meat
1 lb cooked shrimp, chopped fine
¼ c. each minced red, yellow and green bell peppers
1 ½ inner stalks of celery, including leaves, minced
¼ c. red onion, minced
½ jalapeno chile, seeds removed, minced
¼ c. combo of cilantro and basil, finely minced
2 tsp. Old Bay Seasoning
2 large eggs
1 Tbs. Tabasco sauce
1 ½ tsp. Worcestershire sauce
½ c. mayonnaise
1 1/2 c. panko bread crumbs

About 1 1/2 c. of peanut oil, for frying

Make sure crab/shrimp is really drained (no moisture).   Place in large mixing bowl.

Add in all the minced stuff, then stir in the Old Bay, the eggs, sauces, and mayo.  Add bread crumbs until mixture is a consistency where you can form cakes that hold their shape.

Form cakes about 2-1/2 inches in diameter, and ½ inch thick. I usually make these a few hours before we eat them and keep on a cookie sheet with layers of waxed paper in between in the refrigerator.

Heat peanut oil to 375. Fry cakes 2 min. on each side.  Drain on paper towels and serve immediately with the Curry-Cayenne Mustard Sauce.

Curry-Cayenne Mustard Sauce

1 c. mayonnaise
2 tsp. curry powder
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
1 Tbs. finely chopped basil/cilantro mix
2 Tbs. Dijon mustard
Juice of ½ lemon
1 Tbs. Sherry vinegar

Blend together, adjust seasonings to taste and serve with crab cakes. Best if made at least an hour ahead.

Click to Print this recipe!

* Bonus!  B is for the Bacon (Peppered and Apple-Cinnamon Smoked), we ate with the Cinnamon Rolls, thanks to the BaconFreak Gift Pack that arrived on my doorstep a few days ago.  Bless you, Marie!
** All orchestrated by the most incredible husband on earth.
*** Actually, Curry-Cayenne Mustard Sauce, but that's much less alliterative.
**** Made possible and delectable by the gifted gentlemen of Huntington Meats in the Farmer's Market, who provide us a perfectly butchered, melt-in-your-mouth cut every Christmas.

Dear Santa

Why I love her.

Mine goes to 12

There is a great scene from the movie Spinal Tap:

Nigel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know.
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel: [pause] These go to eleven.

Well Nigel, I can top that.  Mine goes to 12.  That's TWO louder.

Happy 12th birthday to my very special daughter, who may yet push me over the cliff.

The candles are stuck into fruit snacks.   They weren't going to stand up straight in the strawberries .

A Bittersweet Abundance

Our annual holiday open house is magical in many ways:

Thirty two pounds of raw meat are transformed into a chili that yanks people out of their cars, through the front door, past our outstretched arms of welcome, and straight to the vast simmering pots covering the stove.  Only after they have a bowl from the stack, filled to the brim with Fritos, onions, sour cream and cheese can they stop to greet the rest of the throng gathered around the artichoke dip and mulled wine.

Reunions break out, as people discover have gone to law school together, worked a first job in LA together, have kids who went to preschool together, or run the same route in the neighborhood.  Alumni of colleges, companies and elementary school classrooms relive old times and catch up on what's new. Strangers who had a great conversation at last year's party find a place to sit down and pick it back up again over guacamole*.

A gingerbread house appears**.  

A friend with sick children at home stops by to bring hot cornbread*** and wish us merry Christmas.   

Kids who first attended this event in their parents' Baby Bjorns now tower over us.  Even more incredibly, they converse directly with adults and each other without the aid of electronic devices.  They are fueled by soda and sugar.   And chili.  Clearly we will need to make more chili next year.  But no fewer corn dogs.  The adults are eating the corn dogs.   

A steady downpour means the crowd that normally spreads out across the yard is packed indoors****.  Like my waistline, the house expands to accommodate the overflow seemingly without effort.  Instead of being a disaster, it is cosy and wonderful to have everyone so close.

There is an enchanted dessert room.   With silver reindeer and Peanut Butter Bacon Brittle Cookies.  Hot coffee to go with the Kahlua Cream Cheese Chocolate Bites.   Candles glimmering among the Lemon Icebox Squares, the Mini Pecan Tarts and the Chocolate Almond Tassies.  Ginger Hermit Bars and Graham Cracker Toffee Squares nestle near Deep Dark Chocolate Cookies.  And, just out of the oven and filling the room with its irresistible perfume of vanilla, my sister's Cream Cheese Pound Cake.

In the midst of this swirl of warmth and joy and happy noise, the question comes again and again, as I knew it would.   Sometimes it comes with a puzzled face, sometimes a sympathetic squeeze of the hand or a heartfelt hug.   I am healed and I ache each time they ask. 

"Where's your mom?"   

Where indeed?*****  

She's not rolling out the sugar cookie dough or tinting the frosting for the kids' decorating table.  She's not opening the 22 cans of tomatoes and carefully measuring spices out for my husband as he cranks his chili-making playlist through the house at full volume.   She's not in the flour-covered kitchen with me and my sister as we bake for days and hours, talking and ranting and tearing up as we spread batter onto baking sheets.  She's not fretting aloud about how much I overspent on the fruit platter.  She's not carefully arranging cookies on the reindeer plates and setting them out "just so" in the dining room.   She's not sitting with her feet tucked under a blanket in an armchair in the library, chatting quietly with a steady stream of guests who find their time with her to have somehow been one of the best parts of their evening.   She's not urging me to forget the dishes and get some sleep.  She's not stashing leftovers in the laundry room for the people in her building, who apparently will be thrilled not only to get a few cookies but will just adore the extra carrot sticks and jicama.   She's not beaming and telling me I did such a job.  That we really outdid ourselves this time.

She's painfully, willfully, absent.  She's everywhere.   It's another magical gift of the open house.

A bittersweet abundance of Mom.

Michael's Famous Mulled Wine

2/3 c. sugar

1/3 c. water

peel of 1 orange and 1 lemon

2-3 Tbs. mulling spices (easily found at Trader Joe's or other places during the holidays)

1 c. fresh squeezed orange juice (or lemon juice, your call)

1 gallon inexpensive, fruity red wine (Two Buck Chuck cabernet is perfect for this)

Dissolve sugar in water in a large stock pot.  Add peels and mulling spices.  Simmer over medium heat until you have a light brown syrup, about 10-15 minutes.  Strain, and return the syrup to the pot.   Add juice and wine, and heat gently over medium-low heat until nice and warm.   You can make this ahead of time, then cool and store in bottles for a day or so.  Just reheat and serve!

Click to print this recipe!

Ginger Hermit Bars

Adapted from Martha Stewart Cookies.  These taste even better if you set them aside in an airtight container for a day or two before you eat them.  A perfect winter cookie!

For the cookies:

1 3/4 c. flour

3/4 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1 Tbs. ground ginger

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp. freshly ground nutmeg

1/2 tsp. kosher salt

1/2 tsp. ground black pepper

pinch of cloves

1/2 c. (1 stick) butter, softened

1 1/4 c. dark brown sugar, packed

1 large egg, plus 1 egg yolk

1/4 c. unsulfered molasses

1 c. candied ginger, diced into 1/4 inch pieces, divided

3/4 c. raisins

For the icing:

1/2 c. packed light brown sugar

4 Tbs. milk, plus more as needed

1/4 c.  (1/2 stick) butter

1/2 tsp. kosher salt

2 tsp. vanilla

2 c. sifted powdered sugar, plus more as needed.

Preheat oven to 350, and butter a 10 x 15 rimmed baking sheet.

To make the bars, whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, pepper and cloves in a large bowl.    Put butter in the bowl of an electric mixer, and beat on medium speed until smooth.   Add brown sugar and mix until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.   Mix in the egg, the yolk, and the molasses.   Reduce speed to low, and gradually add the flour mixture.   Mix in 1/2 c. of the candied ginger and the raisins.

Spread the batter in the prepared pan, and bake until firm, about 18-22 minutes.   Remove from oven and allow to cool slightly.

Meanwhile, prepare the icing.  Put butter, brown sugar and milk together in a saucepan over medium heat.  Cook, stirring constantly, until butter has melted and sugar has dissolved.   Remove from the heat, and stir in the salt, vanilla and powdered sugar.   The icing should be pourable, but not too thin, so add more milk or powdered sugar to get the consistency you want.

Pour over still-warm bars, and spread to cover bars completely with a thin layer of icing.  Sprinkle remaining 1/2 c. of chopped candied ginger over the icing.   Cool completely, cut into bars, and serve, preferably after they've had a little time to age.  

Click to print this recipe!

Kahlua Cream Cheese Chocolate Bites

Adapted from a recipe in the LA Times

Crust:

1 c. flour

1/4 c. brown sugar, packed

1/2 c. butter, softened

3/4 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted

Filling:

1/2 c. sugar

1/2 c. brown sugar, lightly packed

1/3 c. butter, softened

1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened

1 c. flour

1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/4 tsp. salt

1 Tbs. Kahlua

1 Tbs. vanilla

Glaze:

1/4 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 Tbs. Kahlua

1 tsp. water

Preheat oven to 325, and butter a 9 inch square baking pan.  Set aside.  

For the crust, combine all ingredients in a large bowl and mix well until combined.   Press mixture into the bottom of the prepared pan.   

For the filling, beat the sugar, the brown sugar, butter and cream cheese with an electric mixer until smooth.  Add flour, baking power and salt, and mix well.   Blend in Kahlua and vanilla.    Spread over the crust.   Bake until set and the edges are light golden brown, about 35 minutes.   Cool slightly.

For the glaze, melt chocolate chips with Kahlua and water in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly until smooth.   If needed, add additional water to get the glaze to a nice drizzling consistency.   Drizzle over filling while still warm.   Cool to room temperature, then refrigerate for at least an hour.   Cut into bars and serve!

Click to print this recipe!

* Homemade by my friend Rosana.  Fantastic stuff to continue or start a conversation over.

** OK, I admit I kind of rigged this one.   It was just sitting there at a school charity breakfast, and I may have mentioned repeatedly to a friend of mine working the breakfast that I could really use a gingerbread house.  

*** She hated the thought of people eating chili without cornbread.

**** Except for some 7th grade boys who decided that nothing says Christmas like a good game of hide and seek tag in the dark, stormy night.   That's how this became the first ever open house where the dryer was running constantly.

***** She was propped up in bed a few miles away, waiting for her evening graham crackers and her sleeping pill.  She spent the day praying for the rain not to ruin everything (she decided against praying for the rain to stop, as that was clearly a losing battle and she didn't want to pray in vain), and picturing other people pitching in to help since she wouldn't be there.   As always, she came through with flying colors on both counts.  

Coping Mechanisms

Holiday.

Merriam-Webster online has this definition:

¹hol·i·day

 noun 
\ˈhä-lə-ˌdā, British usually ˈhä-lə-dē\

1

: holy day

2

: a day on which one is exempt from work; specifically : a day marked by a general suspension of work in commemoration of an event

3

chiefly British : vacation —often used in the phrase on holiday —often used in plural

4

: a period of exemption or relief

Let's see.  Suspension of work?  Not so much.   Vacation?  Nope.  A period of exemption or relief?  Boy, that'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Here are a few ways I am coping with the reality of the holidays this year.

• Denial:   When the UPS guy drops off a new package at the door every single day from my hyper-organized, annoyingly prepared sister as a reminder of just how far behind I am in my Christmas shopping, I immediately dump said boxes into a huge pile in the way back of my garage and pretend nothing happened.

• Escape:  I got on a plane and went to New York.   Where the city was completely decked out for the season, with twinkling lights everywhere and Christmas music and people with large shopping bags getting into cabs and office holiday dinners and...Oh, forget it.

• Laughing*:

4.  A bunch of these:

Butterscotch Cashew Bars with Salted Rum Caramel Icing
This is an adaptation of a recipe I found on the delicious blog Culinary in the Desert.   I'm a huge fan of cashews, and of frosting on cookies like these, so I went ahead and threw those in.  It helps during the holidays to do that kind of thing.  Spontaneously**.

Where did I go wrong?

As you know, I can bake pretty much anything.   I can even make ice cream.   And yet, this is what my daughter wanted instead of a birthday cake for her party yesterday.

Yes, that is a styrofoam cup of crushed ice with a candle in it.   Guess I'll have to start boning up on how to make sno-cone syrup.  

For Grandma

to:  mom@gmail.com
from:  yourson@gmail.com
subject:  For Grandma

Someone who cares deeply for you has shared the following news content from America's Finest News Source just with you.




Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb

Made my day, that kid.

Peanut Butter Bacon Brittle Cookies to make rare public appearance

Yes, it's true. For once, when you read the words
Peanut Butter Bacon Brittle Cookies 
all put together like that

When you see the photos of the bacon brittle...

and of the peanut butter cookies...

When I tell you that I will be putting these two things together into one unbelievably scrumptious cookie and you imagine just how good that would taste with a big glass of cold milk...

You will not have to groan in frustration while you try to stop drooling.
You will not have to preheat your own oven or run out for butter.
You will not have to curse my name.

No. Just this once, you can come and get 'em*.  

I will be channelling this week's baking urges into making these ridiculous things for the Eat My Blog bake sale extravaganza, being held tomorrow, December 4th, at Tender Greens in West Hollywood.   From 10am-4pm, goodies of all kinds from bloggers and bakeries all over town can be had.

My humble offering may not be enough on its own to get you out of the house, but consider the Cardamom Espresso Cheesecake Bites.   The Chocolate Dipped Vanilla Bean Marshmallows.  The Eggnog Muffins and Lavender Honey Shortbread Cookies.   Not to mention the Coconut Clouds, Mocha Macarons, the Chocolate Bread Pudding or the Guiness Gingerbread Cupcakes with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting.   They'll even have homemade doggie treats and something called apple pie in a jar.    Worth the drive just to see what the hell that's all about, I say.   The full menu is here.

Don't just read this.  Eat this!  Nothing more that $5, and all proceeds to to the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank.  

Plus, if you come, I can split something with you.

* With near instant gratification, too, since I'm using this convenient, yet probably not very effective, just-in-time approach to publicity.

UPDATE:  The bake sale raised $3,750, and the PBBB Cookies were gonzo by lunchtime.

The Glad Game

I admit it.  I love this movie.



I'm taking my cue from the wise Miss Haley Mills, and finding a lot of things to be glad about over the past week:

1. A sister who gave me strength in a moment of weakness.
2. A hospice team that has saved my sanity, and mom's dignity.
3. That my mother's family truly becomes magnificent in a crisis.  These people are in their element, I'm telling you.
4. Bacon.
5. Distractions and busy work and normal things like soccer practices and analyzing spreadsheets and making birthday party goody bags and cooking dinner.  Walking the dog and knocking the living daylights out of the punching bag at kickboxing.
6. That mom is still exactly herself, just lying in an adjustable bed with a lot of covers.  Today she balanced her checkbook, did the crossword, told me she knows what Barack is going through (they both cut their lips, you see), and informed me that she had a stash of quarters in her apartment that the kids could split since she won't have to pay to do her laundry anymore.  Then she asked if I could bring her some yogurt (just the strawberry flavor) and individually wrapped packets of graham crackers.  She really liked the kind they had at the hospital.  Oh, and milk would be good, too.   
7. Each and every message and call and email and good wish and warm thought.  From long ago neighbors and brand new colleagues, from dear friends and perfect strangers who read this blog.    All the prayers and hope and kindess and love are coming through clear and strong.   It's tangible and it's working and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

She's still here.

And for that, above all, I am glad.

The Daring part of Thanksgiving Break

It was a series of fortunate events:

1.  I had assigned myself dessert duty for the feast.*

2.  I said I would bring cheesecake, pecan pie and pumpkin pie.

3.  Our hostess sent around a list of who was bringing what, and there were three other people bringing pumpkin pie, too.

4.  I graciously offered to swap out my pumpkin pie for an apple tart**.  Nobody else was bringing anything with apples, so the coast was clear.

5.  On a whim, I checked to see what the Daring Bakers were up to this month***.

6.  This is what they were up to:  "The 2010 November Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Simona of briciole. She chose to challenge Daring Bakers’ to make pasta frolla for a crostata. She used her own experience as a source, as well as information from Pellegrino Artusi’s Science in the Kitchen and the Art of Eating Well."

7.  It turns out that Crostata means "tart" in Italian. Hmm...

8.  My apple tart was now an apple cream crostata. And a mighty fine one, at that.

Apple Cream Crostata

For the Pasta Frolla
(this is the Daring Bakers part)

Scant 3/4 c. powdered sugar

1 3/4 c. unbleached all purpose flour

1/4 tsp. salt

zest of 1/2 a lemon

1 stick of cold butter, cut into small pieces

1 large egg plus 1 egg yolk, beaten together in a small bowl

Place powdered sugar, flour, salt and lemon zest in a food processor, and pulse to combine.  Pulse in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs.  Turn mixture out onto a work surface, forming a mound.  Make a small round indentation in the mound, and add the beaten eggs.  Use a fork to incorporate the egg into the dry ingredients, then use your fingers to bring it together into a smooth dough.

Knead a few times, then form into a disc and refrigerate for an hour.   Roll out between wax paper to a thickness of about 1/8th of an inch, and press into your tart pan.  From here, depending on your choice of filling, you can use right away, or bake with pie weights for 15 minutes, then uncovered for another 5 minutes.  This is known as "blind baking" or "par baking" the crust, and it's good when using custard or cream fillings for your tart.

For the tart:

(this is our family recipe part)

Par-baked crust

5-6 tart-sweet apples, peeled, cored and sliced thinly

Fresh lemon juice

1 pint heavy cream

3/4 c. sugar

2 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. vanilla

1/4 c. flour

1 egg

Preheat oven to 350.  Squeeze lemon juice over apples, then place apples into the pan with the pre-baked crust.  Use more or less apples to make pan nicely full but not mounded.   Mix the remaining ingredients together with a whisk until well blended.  Pour over apples until cream mixture is about 1/4 inch below edge of pie.  Discard any extra.  Bake for 40 minutes, until set.  Serve to raves at your next potluck, or just gobble it up by yourself.

*This was well before I knew that baking therapy would very much be in order.  I'm a dessert person even when times are good.
** Even though I make a really good pumpkin pie.
*** I did this guiltily, as I fully expected to be pummeled upon login for being such a flake. Fortunately, there are now so many DBs that my delinquency may have escaped notice, at least until I called attention to it in this footnote.

Thanksgiving Break

This usually means my kids getting outrageously excited about having four days in a row off from school.   In my case, it was me getting a much-needed four hours off of hospital duty for a Thanksgiving celebration with good friends.   Not to mention my good friends' great food...

The party kicks of with Mindy's kick-@#! hot artichoke dip.  Spicy, cheesy and TASTY!

A genuine Vermont ham has crossed the country to join us in Encino.  It brought some cheddar cheese and spicy mustard as company.   Good plan.  In the foreground is my roasted cranberry sauce.  By the way, this was like a snack.  The real dinner hadn't even started yet.

Gary carves his maple-glazed bird.  It should be noted that he special-ordered a Kosher turkey, and then covered it with bacon.

Oh. My. GOD!

Our hostess creates the Martha Stewart of kids' tables.

There were happy kids to go with it. 

I now understand where the phrase "the table was groaning with food" comes from.  Four kinds of stuffing.  Two turkeys.  Sweet potatoes two ways, including one with a brown-sugar pecan topping that was crazy good.  Carrot-ginger puree.  Creamed onions.  Mashed potatoes with sour cream and leeks.  I could go on, but I might pass out.

In a tight race, this wins for my favorite bite of the night.  Roasted Brussel Sprouts with Pancetta.  Out of this world!

They had a little bit of dessert, too.  My pecan pie, cheesecake, and apple cream crostata were only a few of the choices.  Fortunately, the plates were very sturdy.

I can share a few of the recipes, but I can never truly share how much this particular Thanksgiving break meant to me and my family.    The fact that there was all this incredible food was just a really nice bonus.

Mindy's Artichoke Dip
She doubled the recipe for our big group.

1 10 oz. pkg of chopped frozen spinach
2 14 oz. cans of artichoke hearts, drained and coarsely chopped
1/2 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. sour cream
1 c. freshly shaved Parmesan cheese
1 c. grated pepper jack cheese (Trader Joe's has a nice blend in a bag, so it's easy)

Preheat the oven to 350, and grease a casserole dish with butter or cooking spray.  Microwave the spinach on high for 5 minutes to thaw, then squeeze dry.  Combine with the artichoke hearts, the mayo, the sour cream and the Parmesan in a bowl and mix well.   Place in the prepared casserole dish, then cover with the jack cheese.  Bake for 30-40 minutes, until bubbling and a little brown on the edges.  Serve with tortilla chips.

Laurie's Sweet Potato Casserole

1lb. 12 oz. canned sweet potatoes, drained (or about 3 cups of cooked fresh sweet potatoes)
1/2 tsp. salt
2 eggs
1/4 c. melted butter
1/2 c. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg

Topping:
3/4 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. chopped, toasted pecans
1/4 c. melted butter
3 Tbs. flour

Preheat oven to 350, and butter a medium sized casserole dish.  Beat together the potatoes, salt, eggs and melted butter, then add the sugar, vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg.  Pour into prepared dish.  Combine all topping ingredients and cover the top of the potatoes.  Bake for 20 minutes.

But wait...there's more:
Gary's Maple-Roasted Turkey
Mom's Easy Cranberry Sauce
Those Incredible Brussels Sprouts
Cheesecake with Gingersnap Crust
Apple Cream Crostata

Cold Comfort Food

I'm expecting a phone call in about 20 minutes.  It will be the ambulance guys, calling to let me know that my mom is on her way to a board and care facility with hospice services.     With this call, three days of nearly continuous bedside drama will come to an end.

A steady stream of social workers, clergy, doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, blood specialists and hospice reps have come through with professional counsel. All of them have urged her to get treatment.   Mom responded by thanking them for coming.   Accepted their prayers and good wishes, seized on scraps of information that suited her, then ignored their advice.   Instead, she regaled them with amusing, proud anecdotes about her grandchildren and her deep admiration for Dr. Oz.   Mentioned that she drank her milk that day and asked for something to help her sleep.    Smiled benevolently and wished them a happy holiday with their families.

A drawing by my niece. My sister's note:  "Mom is on the 5th floor of the hospital, Fiki is near the window meowing to her from your house (the one on the left) - and our house is the one on the right with hope written next to it.   All we can do is hope."

A parade of grieving, confused and frightened relatives descended.   They berated her, prayed with her, cried with her, out and out begged her, listened to her attempts to dispense wisdom (To a niece: I hope you find a good person to take care of you, and that you have beautiful home and a wonderful life).  She relived fond memories of childhood and early days, sighed with regret over things she's not proud of (I could have handled the divorce so much better) and marveled at things that amaze her (how does Hallie Berry look so good all the time?  Her stylist really does a great job!).    Siblings caught flights, her phone rang off the hook.    She reveled in the attention, seemed to thrive on every new face that came around the door.  She beamed.  She teared up.  She asked for some water and maybe a little turkey leftovers?  If it's not too much trouble?  My 90+ year-old great aunt told her in no uncertain terms that she had gotten out of line, and that she (my great aunt) was supposed to go first.

She toyed with the idea of the transfusion.  She seemed to consider it.  She was so grateful for her family.  For the care she was getting.  For everything.   Let me sleep on it, she said.  Let me imagine what it would be like to get well.  I'll do that.  I will.

And then today, she decided.

No.

I drove home through the dark, empty freeways.  I stopped at the store.  I got heavy cream.  I got cheese.  I got bacon*.   I got tonic and limes.

Even piping hot from the oven, it's all cold, cold comfort at this point.  But it felt good going down.

Potato Gratin
from Around my French Table by Dorrie Greenspan
A good dish to have when you've been to hell and back.

Pancetta...not in the original recipe, but required tonight

I break out the mandoline I bought a year ago.  I am an instant convert.  

My perfectly sliced taters are layered with garlic-infused heavy cream, salt and pepper.  

Every other layer gets a little Italian bacon

The book says "dust with the cheese".  I say "blanket with the cheese"

Yes, it is just as tasty as it looks.

I balance out the heart stoppage with a green salad.  I balance out the salad with a heavy dose of gin (not pictured)

* I didn't need to buy potatoes because Mom reminded me last week that they were on special at Ralphs: 10lbs for 99 cents.  I stocked up.