Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I forgot to make a plan

Me:  OK. We're going to back up, go down the driveway, and turn left.  So make a plan about that.
Him:  I don't do left very well.  Can we go right?


Him:  Did you SEE me do that left? The wheel COMPLETELY just spun right back.  I am awesome at this.  And you can let go of the door handle anytime now.  I'm TOO good.
Me:  Don't get cocky young man.  I admit, you stayed in your lane, which is a major improvement.  Nicely done.  OK.  So, we're going to take Burbank to practice. You'll be turning right. Make a plan to change lanes sometime in the next ten or fifteen minutes.
Him:  Burbank?  That's my STREET!


Me:  It's dark out, so you'll need to plan ahead a little more than usual.
My husband, from the back seat: Pay attention! You're going way too fast! Did you SEE the parked cars on your right?  ON YOUR RIGHT!!
Me: Honey, he's fine on the right.  Honey...other honey...you should probably plan to get in the left lane.  I see a UPS truck six blocks ahead, and you know how that freaks you out.
My husband:  Brake! Brake! Red means brake! Jesus!
My daughter: I am SO walking home.
Me:  OK. The parking lot is going to be on your right soon. Get over, when you are ready. But soon.  But make a plan first. Then change lanes.
Him:  I hate ALL of you!


Me:  OK. Let's try the freeway.  Make a plan to get up to speed, and keep checking all around before you merge.
Him:  Mom, I GOT this.  Didn't you hear the instructor? I have NO problem with acceleration. That's my thing.
Me:  Oh...oh...oh...dear. OK. Now get off.


Him (after 20 minutes in gridlocked traffic, having moved exactly one block):  This is RIDICULOUS! Seriously!?! What the hell! Change the station. Change the station. Stop. I like this song. Louder. Change the station. Stop. Can I show you a FEW THINGS!?
Me (shouting over Justin Timberlake): OK, you're just going to have to cut in here if we are ever going to get anywhere.  Make a plan.  In front of the silver car, that's our plan.  Put on your signal.  Good.  Catch the guy's eye.  Good. Poke your nose in.  Good.  Give him a wave.  Say thanks.  Good.
Him:  That guy is my HOMIE!  Homie wave for you, dude. Nice one. Turn it up. OH...as long as I got my SUIT AND TIE!


Me:  OK, I kind of forgot that you're going to need to do a bunch of lane changes at once up here, so get set.
Him: WHAT?
Me:  Yeah. What we're going to do is get into the next lane over.  Then, it's going to curve onto another freeway, and you'll need to get over three lanes, while other cars are trying to get over where we are. It goes super quick. Ready?
Me: Go.
Him (after successfully navigating the four level 101-110 interchange at rush hour):  Most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. You suck.


Him:  That guy right there?  Did not even give me the homie wave after I let him in. Seriously, dude. What is UP with that?


Me: OK. I'll wait over here. Don't be nervous. Listen to the person. Take your time. You'll be fine.


Him:  Bye, Mom.  I'll be home about 8:15.

Homie wave.
Door slams.

He's out there, driving my car*.
I let him go.

Most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life.

Don't worry, Mom.  I GOT this.

*"Drive my Car", with my six year old son on the drum track:  


  1. i think teaching your child to drive must be one of the most terrifying things a person could ever do, on so many levels. we're lucky out here in the country because you can go for miles and miles without seeing another car. plus, there are plenty of fields in which to practice...you just have to look out for cows (and huge cow patties...). :)

    1. Even if it's just cow patties in the road, it's a tough damn road to go down....