I have done my best to reconstruct what must have been going through my dog's head when the incident occurred:
Hey. Something smells good. Must be dinner time again! Yay! [It is completely dark out, and everyone is asleep] Hmm. Not seeing anything in my dish. But there is that yummy smell* again. It must be for me. Aha! It's coming from way up high on that table over there. Don't worry guys, I can still reach it. [Grabs with teeth for object while on tippy toes of hind legs] Success! Yummy! Ow! Ow! What the @#?%! Ouch! Tasty though. I should keep eating. Maybe it will be easier if I eat more of it. Ow! OK. That's it. Just one more bite.
[After two days of painstaking pulling of bristles from his ears, face, and paws, plus $447 in vet bills for x-rays, fluid and medication injections, with the potential for surgical removal if the sharp metal spikes in his gut don't come out on their own]
I am pleased to report that regardless of the weather, kids will get in any available body of water and happily throw inflatable objects at each other for hours. The pool party was thus an unqualified success* in their minds.
With one small exception.
Child: You know, I have a suggestion for next time. Hostess: Really? What's that? Child: When you make the burgers, you should add a little bit of ground pork. It makes them especially juicy. Do you have any ground pork? Hostess: No. Child: Oh, well. Thanks anyway.
Thanks Anyway Burgers Which, by the way, were "incredibly great", according to most of the guests.
Very good quality ground beef, at least 15% fat, but preferably 20%. Buy 1/4 pound for each child, and 1/3 pound for each adult. Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper
Form patties by hand no more than an hour or so before your BBQ. Score each lightly with a knife. Keep refrigerated. Heat your grill to medium high. Just before putting patties on the grill, sprinkle each side liberally with salt and pepper. Put on the grill and close it up. Cook 3-4 minutes, or until you see the edges beginning to brown. Flip. Close the grill again. If making cheeseburgers, wait 1 minute, then open up and add your cheese. I love these with gorgonzola, Swiss, or a sharp cheddar. Yesterday, we pretty much went with American cheese all around. Cook another couple of minutes, or until cheese is melted and you can't stand to wait another second.
Serve with warm buns, and all the fixings for people to make the burgers their own. All the fixings at our house means bacon, guacamole, mixed greens, arugula, red onions, tomatoes, bbq sauce, ketchup, relish, and Dijon mustard. Yesterday, it was basically bacon and ketchup.
*Measures of success for the 4th/5th grade attendees: Not in school on a weekday? Check. Chips available for both eating and dropping all over the lawn? Check. Parents not paying much attention to them, but instead having coffee and chatting? Check. When not in pool, can continue to throw inflatable things at each other? Check. Dessert to vegetable ratio above 5:1? Check. Cool-whip shots all around? Check.
If you are having a class of 4th and 5th graders over to your house for a swim party in the morning, you might want to do a couple of things ahead of time to get ready.
1. Hire a lifeguard. 2. Go shopping for food. 3. Blow up the pool toys. 4. Set out extra towels and sunscreen. 4. Check the weather forecast. 5. Discover it will probably be overcast and chilly. 6. Note that party is scheduled to last for four hours. 7. Pour yourself a big fat gin and tonic.
Emergency Gin and Tonic Hendrick's Gin Tonic A lime
Get out a glass.* Fill your glass with ice. Squeeze 1/2 of the lime over the ice. Pour in gin until the glass is 1/3 full. Pour in enough tonic to almost fill up the glass. Squeeze the rest of the lime over the top, then drop it in. Stir. Drink.
Pictured here after last step was completed.
Now don't get me wrong. I am a huge fan of the artisan cocktail. Love to see the bartender carefully harvesting his own juniper berries and calling up the local organic tonic brewer for the small batch bottling from 2007. Can't beat those heirloom limes, and the dash of freshly grated ginger muddled with the blackberry blossoms. Fantastic. But this is an emergency. Go with the tried and true solution, available now, right from the liquor cabinet in your kitchen.
When you're done, lock up the liquor cabinet, pray for sun, and go to bed.
*The size of the glass depends on the size of your emergency. This qualified as a medium sized emergency.
I was going to give the whole "start with two sticks of butter, then add sugar" theme a break. Frankly, I was getting low on butter. But then, I had this phone conversation with a friend:
Her: I was on the plane coming home, and I read this article by Jeffrey Steingarten in Vogue about how he went to this lady's house and had these oatmeal cookies and he begged and begged for the recipe and promised her front row seats to any fashion show she wanted if only she would give it to him and eventually she did. He said they were the best oatmeal cookies he's ever eaten. Me: I love oatmeal cookies. Her: I know! Me, too. And I was so excited to have the recipe and then I remembered that I completely suck at baking and if I make them they will be terrible and then I was sad but then I thought I should just give you the recipe and you could bake them for me and tell me how good they are and if I should even bother trying, which I probably shouldn't but they really do sound amazing.
[Aside: This particular friend of mine speaks incredibly quickly. I believe the elapsed time for the conversation to this point was about 20 seconds, 11 of which was me saying, "I love oatmeal cookies"]
Me: Definitely send it to me. Her: I'm on it.
[A few hours later]
Her: (via email) So my husband tossed my Vogue in an effort to clean my office this morning and it is under what looks like mac and cheese and oatmeal so it is toast. I sent a text asking my nanny to pick up another copy for me -- I will shoot you the recipe tonight.
[Aside: She is also very efficient and addicted to text messaging. And no, this is not my sister, thinly disguised. I actually know two people like this.]
The recipe arrived. She had gone to so much trouble, how could I not keep up my end of the deal? I got in the car, and went to buy more butter.
The Best Oatmeal Cookies Adapted from her e-mail transcription of a recipe in Vogue by Jeffrey Steingarten that he got from some lady whose party he went to a while ago
1 c. butter, softened 1 c. sugar 2 c. instant oats 1 c. flour 1 tsp. salt 1/2 tsp. baking soda 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
The cool thing about this recipe is that you do everything by hand. The other cool thing is that it doesn't need eggs, so it is perfect for when you want to make cookies in the middle of the night but you don't have any eggs*.
Pre-heat oven to 350. Mix butter and sugar in a large bowl using a wooden spoon until completely combined. Do not use a mixer! In another bowl, stir together oats, flour, salt and baking soda until well mixed. Add dry ingredients to the butter sugar mixture, and stir with your wooden spoon until they are well mixed, too. Finally, stir in the vanilla extract. Using your hands, form the dough into 1 inch balls and place onto a baking sheet covered with parchment paper or a Silpat. After you've got them on there, using two fingers, flatten them to about 1/3 of an inch. You can dip your fingers in cold water if the cookies are sticky. Bake for 11-12 minutes, or until light golden brown.
Me: (via e-mail) They were indeed, the best. And so easy that you can, in fact, make them for yourself. Go for it!
To everything (turn turn turn) there is a season (turn turn turn). Most have well-known names:
Summer Spring Winter Cruise Wear Christmas Allergy Baseball The New Fall Television Daffy: Rabbit Bugs: Duck Daffy: Rabbit Bugs: Duck Daffy: Duck (Bang!)*
But the one we're in now doesn't have an official name. It comes around every year like clockwork nonetheless. It's the "end the school year flurry of events where everyone is supposed to bring something" season. You've made that macaroni casserole twice already, and you still have three more parties to go. The other lady always beats you to the sign up sheet to claim the paper goods. The host is providing the drinks. Let's call it, for lack of a better name, Potluck Season. What's a mother to do?
Make these.
Cherry Pie Bars
Crust: 3 1/2 c. flour 1/2 c. powdered sugar 2 c. (4 sticks) butter, melted
Topping: 4 1/2 c. flour 3 c. golden brown sugar 1 tsp. cinnamon 1/2 tsp. salt 2 c. (4 sticks) butter, softened, cut into pieces
Preheat oven to 350, and get out a large sheet pan (10x15 or 12x18)
For crust, mix flour and sugar together, then stir in the melted butter. Mix well, until the batter is no longer lumpy. Spread batter in the pan, and bake for 15 minutes, until nice and golden brown. Cool completely.
For filling, put preserves into a bowl. Add the extract, and stir with a spoon until mixture becomes smooth. It will go from being clumps of jam to a satiny, almost liquid, filling. Pour over cooled crust, and use a spatula to spread evenly, leaving about 1/4 inch around the sides.
For topping, in a large bowl of an electric mixer, combine the dry ingredients together to blend. Add the butter pieces, and mix until it's all crumbly. Don't mix so much that it becomes smooth. You want a lumpy, yummy bowl of goodness.** With your hands, crumble the topping over the filling. It will seem like you have way too much topping, but as the bars cook, it will shrink quite a bit. Put the bars back into the oven, and bake for about 20 minutes, until topping is golden brown all over.
Remove from oven. Cool for at least 2 hours before serving. This will allow the bars to set completely. Sprinkle with powdered sugar, cut into squares, and serve. These are a bit messy (you need a plate), but so worth it!
Why these are great for Potluck Season: You can use any kind of preserves you want!!! I've made them very successfully with apricot, blackberry and blueberry jam, and the original recipe (from the Magnolia Bakery Cookbook) called for raspberry. That's at least 5 parties, right there. And these are so good, you will actually get requests for them over and over again.
*
** I have an extremely hard time keeping my daughter from grabbing spoonfuls of topping to eat before I get it on the pan.
Her: Did you see the article about Michael Jackson? Me: Um, No. I missed that one. Her: It was in the business section. He has venture capital people investing in his new show. Me: The shows that he already delayed? Her: They're treating him like a kind of a product. You're a financial person, so you probably understand this, but it seems like a problem to me. You're really lucky you got into the venture business before these people started making bad investments. Me: I'm not so sure I missed the bad investment part entirely, but... Her: He was in a wheelchair on TV. How can you invest in a guy in a wheelchair? If he can't stand up, how can he do a show? Me: He can't. Her: And his kids were there, too, with him, and the wheelchair. Me: They were? Her: Yes. And they were all wearing those masks. [Pause] Her: At least you don't make your kids wear those masks.
I have done my best to reconstruct what must have been going through my dog's head when the incident occurred:
